The older I get the more aware of the passage of time I become. Not a particularly unique experience I know, but something that I have become painfully aware of in the last few months or so. I can actually look back fondly on my experiences and accomplishments one day and the next feel overwhelmed by all that I haven’t done.
By all appearances I am a self-assured man who has a strong sense of his own worth. Sometimes I am. But sometimes I’m not.
I find that in relationships the latter is more often than not the case. I find myself questioning what it is that this other person could possibly see in me. I feel certain that it’s just a matter of time before they recognize how flawed I am and run screaming.
As a result I consistently put my needs on the back burner and make things about the other person. I say yes to things that I know I shouldn’t. And then I end up feeling misused. In all fairness the emotion is probably an overstatement more often than not. There is a degree to which making yourself less leads to you being less.
I do not want to be less. I want to be more. I want to feel confident in my value. I want to be for someone and have them be for me. And this can only happen when people are honest with each other while remaining true to themselves.
It is a process of letting go. Releasing behaviours and relationships that do not serve me. Leaving behind things that cannot be. Accepting that it is okay to have reasonable expectations.
It is a matter of finding the strength to draw lines and make definitive statements. To declare this is what I am worth. And if someone doesn’t agree, just go separate ways. It seems so simple, yet it is so hard to do.
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Hello. Once in a while, I will take some time to read certain meaningful entries that I have posted before.